You got the life insurance. You got the advanced medical directives. You got what looks like a rock-solid will, and maybe you even got a religious service all picked out. But what about death? Have you given any thought to the sort of death you hope to have? Now I’m not talkin’ about physician-assisted suicide up there in Oregon where they smoke all that pot, or like that. No, this is more like what some folks call a “worthwhile” death. You know, one a them dignified deaths after a good, long life. But you also know you can’t control that. And deep down, you worry you’re gonna to die for no good reason, right?
You know what I’m saying. Think of the parents of that kid got blown up by an I.E.D. in Iraq back in ’04, and in their grief they despair over a “wasted” life — wasted because the good kid didn’t die for a good reason. Or how about that “senseless” drunk driving death. The one where the drunk driver lives, and the young-bride-with-a-new-baby-on-the-way-and-recent-promotion-at-work in the other car dies? What about the “unbelievable” death of the guy-who-just-had-a-check-up-the-day-before-he-dropped-dead-of-a-heart-attack? And while we’re at it, let’s not overlook the child who died of leukemia at age six, making all of us wonder just what sort of freaking “God” this God-guy really is. The question burns inside each and every one of our precariously beating hearts: Will I die for no good reason, too? Well, at Just ‘Cause, LLC, we’ve got the answer!
Hi, I’m Joe Santos, President and CEO. Here’s the answer, free, me to you: No. No, you won’t die for some good reason. Why? Because there is no good reason. You just die. Though there are boatloads of ways somebody can die — what them experts call proximate and remote causes — and you gotta admit it’s sometimes good for a laugh to think of a few. But you know, the one thing we can count on is that death’s gonna happen to each and every one of us. We worry about how and when it’s gonna happen, and if it’s all worth it. Blah, blah, blah. But you gotta remember, folks: it’s a pretty good bet we ain’t gonna much care how it happened after the fact.
So, you know what? It’s a relief. Think about it. It’s a load off. That guy what keels over from a massive coronary on the toilet might not have imagined this would be the way he’d croak, but you know what? He’s not going to have the chance to worry about that. No, that’s gonna be a job for Francine and the kids. But should they really spend their time agonizing over it, anyway? Shouldn’t bereft family members just spend time wallowing in the agony that Daddy is just plain old gone forever, never to come back? No more swinging the old bat around. (Of course, depending on how good the marriage was, maybe that’s not so bad, you know. But I digress.)
You see, we here at Just ‘Cause are committed to helping each and every one of you stop worrying about whether or not the reason you die is a good one, ‘cuz it ain’t, either way. The idea is simple. We call it Death Equity™. With a few exceptions here and there, like those weirdos up Oregon and Washington way, with their fancy-pants ‘Death with Dignity’ laws, nobody’s gonna have the chance to choose when to die or, to those what care about this stuff, how we die. Despite that little fact, we all live under the delusion that some deaths are worse than others, because we can’t figure ‘em out, make ‘em make sense, give ‘em some value.
Fortunately, Death Equity™ changes all that. No reason for dying makes every death like any other. The reason someone dies? Their life ends. ‘Nuff said. Consider the possibilities: Suicide bomber? Doh! Agonizing bone cancer? So sorry! Accidental victim of a drive-by shooting? Too bad! Child murder? Kid ain’t coming back, so pull out that shit-for-brains-murdering-motherfucker’s toenails one by one. I got people for that, no problem. (Again, I digress. But I never said this would be a walk in the park. As the late, great Lynn Anderson sang, “I never promised you a rose garden.”) So, anyway, take away the “good” reasons for dying, and the whole Death thing starts to lose its power, don’t it? Not so Grim now, Mistah Reaper, are ya?
Hold on, hold on, I know what’s goin’ on in that noggin of yours. We here at Just ‘Cause know we got a lot of minds to change, and it ain’t gonna be easy. But that’s the beauty of Death Equity™ by Just ‘Cause, LLC:
“We sift out purpose from mechanism so you don’t have to”©.
Not convinced yet? I wasn’t either, at first. Like I said, this is tough stuff. But then I started to think about it — and believe me, that was the hard part. The poor schmuck who’s just trying to get through the day, you know what I mean? And this poor putz, not hurting nobody, walks in on a bank robbery. One of the robbers get jittery, and POP! Right between the eyes. No family left, no close friends. Not even a designated mourner to say, “Hey, what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks was all that about?”
Then there’s all them deaths nobody even knows about. You know the ones I mean. Mass murders covered up by corrupt governments in far away lands? I mean, heck. If someone dies in a forest, and no one is there to witness it, is the death for a good reason or a bad one? You tell me. Actually, for a low, low fee, you don’t have to. When you buy Death Equity™ you get all the peace of mind you need to meet any cause of death with the profound resignation that comes with just not caring about death anymore, my friend, because there’s nothing to care about. Nothing is worth more than that.
Just ‘Cause, your Death Equity™ specialists. Call now.
I’m Joe Santos, and I approve this message. (Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, and the late Christopher Hitchens are not associated with Just Cause, LLC, or its affiliates.)